Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
