so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm just crazy horny about you
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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