Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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