somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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