so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
