I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
