she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
