Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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