Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
