She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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