and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
