Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
