i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think weed is turning my hair brown
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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