why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You are a genius and a whore.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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