So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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