he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
