This is not my ceiling
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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