please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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