So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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