I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
