i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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