Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
