the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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