Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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