Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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