In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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