If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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