Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
