he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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