who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
