this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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