he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
