Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
