You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
