he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
