I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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