Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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