a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
