Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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