the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
