Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
