I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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