Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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