Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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