My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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