i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
