you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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