If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
