New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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