Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
