i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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