i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
