When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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