I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
